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Exactly two months since our last post. We may have died, if anyone had cared. And it felt great, to have just disappeared for a while, without the pressure, or care, of being judged.
It was a good two months of pause, at least for me.
These two months, I have lived it more intentionally than any of the rest of my life. And with clear intentions, decisions happened easier, stress was managed with a skip and a hop. And in all my life, I don’t think I have loved myself more – through just focusing on me, how I was feeling, what I was thinking, what I was doing.
It sounds selfish, as the entire focus is on me. I have come to realise, that the amount of space I give myself, will essentially impact the amount of space I can provide for others. I have grown lighter (not physical weight) and less burdened. I have gained more confidence, though I am still reflective, still looking into what I did, and why I did it,
My “Why” has gotten clearer, and I breathe easy. I feel more ready to step forth, feel braver to face the world.
You may call me a fool, to be filled with this renewed optimism and enthusiasm. Please allow me to bask in the moment, and savour the sweetness of it. Allow me this memory, to absorb, how it feels like, to be loved by myself.
The month of January started with the calendar looking relatively empty; looked like a great time for administrative work, before the crowd rushed in. I was happy with the state of affairs at the start, and was looking forward to pacing myself, taking time off to find work-life balance.
But before there was time to say “Go!” I was swept off my feet, in an emotional tension. It took my breath away, as I struggled to reconcile, feedback provided and who I am. I asked myself, why was it so hard for me to move on, and I felt hurt, manipulated, violated. And maybe, perhaps, it was because I felt too much. Perhaps, it is time to build the walls around my heart again, to protect myself from getting hurt again.
Showing up, showing myself, exposed me to great vulnerability. And yet, that was taken, and thrown around, when I thought I could trust those whom I work with. Brené Brown said to only have a select few, whom you can be vulnerable with, and the person’s who provided the feedback, were amongst those whom I though could be on that list. And yet, it felt like I made a wrong decision. And if it was their definition of payback, to stand up for someone, then perhaps, they are not the persons to be on my list.
So, I have been busy: busy finding myself again, busy trying to understand, why is this happening. Busy trying to take care of myself and my heart, my gut. Busy trying to decide, to make a decision. And in all these busy-ness, I did ask myself: so what am I avoiding? What am I running away from? I feel so fake,so unreal, so contrived. In all this busy-ness, I placed myself in the state, in the space, where it isn’t doing the people around me any good.
I wanted to write, but I didn’t know where to start. Did I have a secondary intention of doing so? It was just overwhelmingly tiring to keep second-guessing myself.
As we ushered in the lunar new year, some “friends” posted on FaceBook, that it provides us a second chance to re-start the year. And I am taking this opportunity, to do so. I am taking a deep breath, and start my lunar new year on a brave new note!
I want to be adventurous, but also cautious. I want to take steps forward, make bold moves, and that could also mean pausing more, slowing down the pace, taking meaningful deliberation over decisions. I want to be heard, and that could also mean to just keep quiet, and observe who is truly listening.
I want to continue to love with all my heart, and that could also mean, to take care of whom I choose to shower my affection on.
Take. A. Deep. Breath. And. Step. Forth.
Face the world as who I am.
Running a routine,
Running a sequence of exercise to keep fit;
Keeping the momentum and discipline,
Getting my life together again.
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Running away from emotion,
Running away from thinking,
Running away from people, as they are the scariest;
They keep me second guessing.
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I am tired of running,
I give up on the momentum and discipline;
My fitness goes downhill again,
And I go on an emotional downward spiral.
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Picking myself back up,
Making a decision to pause, breathe, decide;
Life is a roller-coaster ride,
And only I can decide how I want the ride to look like.
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I can choose to make it scary,
I can choose to run and hide;
I can take a deep breath in, and let it out,
And bravely march on, into the cool cool night.
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I choose how to respond,
And I choose to respond through action;
No point arguing, justifying, and blaming,
Too much negative energy.
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I choose to take a day at a time,
Getting back into routine,
Picking up momentum and discipline;
Learning to love myself all over again.
This is a post of thanks. I thank a friend for sharing the change she has made to her life – the change to do one thing at a time. It was a way of doing things when faced with an avalanche of tasks thrown at her. Rather than juggle everything all at once, she did one thing at a time – to amazing results!
This sounds simple, but really, in our day and age, it is the hardest thing to do. Everyone wants your attention. A female plays the role of daughter, wife, mother, housewife and colleague all at once. Admittedly, I do not have to play all roles but many friends of mine do. This does not mean that it is easier for me. No. I have found that the moment one plays 3 roles or more, 24 hours ain’t enough. And things become worse, meaning we fall into an abyss of messiness and become lost in it, when we try to juggle them all.
So, 2017 came. I did one thing at a time. I was busy. I was focused. Even on a Sunday, I planned my day and knew what I had to do at what time. I was ambitious at ticking off that checklist and feeling that sense of satisfaction when I complete everything. This also meant preparing for work on Monday, something which I was loathed to do on a Sunday. But because I was so focused, I finished it in no time and had personal time. Planned personal time. This might sound perfect to you, but distractions float in so very sinisterly. Text messages, notifications, an interesting event of a friend on Facebook or an interesting article and the mind goes awandering. How to beat that? Keep track of the time. I reminded myself I had, A, C and C to complete and if I wanted to be in bed by a certain time, I have to complete those in XXX time. This is what doing one thing at a time does to me and probably to you too. Juggling everything all at once messes up time. I suddenly gained that wisdom.
So, I’d like to thank that special friend for that pricelessly useful advice.
I do not know how long I can continue with this way of doing things or if I’d fall the next day but I suppose I can make it a habit and keep doing it. Why not?
Ann is decisively indecisive. An oxymoron you’d say and I’d readily agree. It’s a state of mind practiced to perfection. The moment she has to decide, the first decision will be to not make any decision. Can’t say she didn’t decide can we? And it’s not a rash decision, not to decide that is. It’s a well deliberated decision that she’s most comfortable with. The other alternative, is full of discomfort.
So, it can be deduced that her decisiveness, or lack of, is based on the size of her comfort zone. And it can also be deduced by association that her comfort zone has a very small circumference. And she has decided a long time ago that there’s no room for expansion of that comfort zone. If you, like me, believe that comfort zones emerge from getting out from an uncomfortable place, you’d wonder how on earth did she develop a comfort zone in the first place?
Well, there was a time when she was willing to try and experience. Food, travels, friendships, career, relationships, fashion, sports, leisure etc etc..
And then there were the failures, or setbacks, or let downs and disappointment, followed by a sense of defeat, which was then followed by resignation, retreat and withdrawal.
From then on, her guiding principle is every decision will be based on risk reward analysis, skewed towards not taking any risk unless some reward is guaranteed. Since most of the time her defense mechanism will always kick in and reduce her reward expectations to a dismal level, she’s almost always in a self punishing loop. No disappointment paired with no expectations, no mistake paired with no actions. The decision to not decide sets its roots and seeps deeper as time goes by.
Do you know Ann? Are you Ann?
If you live in Singapore, as the clock strikes midnight tonight, there will be a noticeable disappearance. The disappearance of a personal identity.
In its place, a stay at home mum and/or a working mum who fusses about anything related to the first day of school – school uniforms, badges, name tags, school bag, books, shoes, socks, water bottle, snack, pocket money, ez-link card, health booklet, etc etc. The stay at home mum will go on to arrange the day’s chores, meals, laundry, contact the tutors, school buses, enrichment centers, piano lessons, art lessons etc… The working mum will think about how to beat the first day of school first day of work traffic, what to wear, what bag to carry, to remember door pass, check emails, make sure there’s petrol in the car, insurance and road tax and car park renewed and paid etc…And both will set their alarm clock at about 5am. Oh, and mental note to wish the husband a good day ahead with a kiss.
So who disappeared? The woman who had dreams, goals and aspirations. The woman who had an identity, not a label or a title. The woman who is a real friend to other women and men, not a friend who functions around the schedule of her kids. The woman who at new year’s eve, sent the most sincere best wishes for her friends, wishing that their dreams come true, and silently hold the enviable thoughts that hers will come true too, someday. The woman who sneaked in some precious time during the school holidays, when they depart briefly from the role of a SAHM or a working mum, to visit their real identity. When during the well planned or last minute family holidays, they caught a break, and the wind in their hair whispered to them and their mind wandered to places and memories. Places where they sat surrounded by friends, chatting away and sharing their inhibitions. Places where they can be mum-me without guilt, not just mummy. Places that did not involve guilt trip, or worries of being not good enough.
Can a woman have it all? Does a woman want it all? There are many mothers who just want everything to do with their kids and that’s perfectly alright. Their aspirations and their actions are aligned. But there are many out there who want more I’m sure but yet feel trapped in the parenthood straitjacket and at the same time consumed by guilt for feeling that way. There are women out there who are building empires without destructing their families. Or are there? Can fempires exist in Singapore?
P/s: Fempire is a brand launched by Alta Tseng and Jessica Corbin in 2004 to encourage female empowerment and promote female trends. TV Channel Lifetime, recently launched a slate of women-driven shows it refers to as “Fempire.”
I crossed over from 2016 to 2017 alone, in my living room. No new year party or gathering. No booze or festive food. No fireworks, no Auld lang syne.
It was quiet, and peaceful. I could hear me thinking. Random thoughts mostly. I thought of posting a pic/photo on facebook or instagram, one that depicts a happy family and giving wishes to friends and family all over the globe. I thought of writing a paragraph about new year thoughts/resolutions/wishes. Like everyone else. But unlike everyone else, I didn’t actually do it.
I spent the whole day with a little brush. I painted, no, I should say I coloured. I’m terrible at art so I took the easiest route I can take to produce something and simply because it’s therapeutic for me. Just like cooking. It makes me focus on the task at hand and yet allow me the bandwidth to think. So I was at my little desk for the whole day, since the moment I woke up and I completed it just after midnight.
I am thankful of the year that was. If I could use one word to describe 2016, it was “learning”. I am thankful for the opportunities and challenges that came my way and those taught me to learn. And I learnt a lot. So how long does it take for one to become a master/expert ? There is no magic number but the general rule of thumb is 10,000 hours. Doesn’t mean that if I coloured for 10,000 hours I will become a great painter.
I also learnt that learning is nothing if it’s not applied. And application is nothing if it’s not practised. And practise is nothing if it’s not improved. I was a great athlete because when I was younger, I was on the court 4 days a week, training at least 5 hours each. Could I have clocked 10,000 hours in the three years I was training to be a part of the national youth team? Doing the math, even if I trained every single day, it would take me 5.5 years. But I could have, as I started way earlier. I started when I was 11 years old and the training sessions only got more intense as we kept evolving and improving.
Many would say how to find that 10,000 hours? No need to do other things la? Is it then any wonder that those who say or think that way are where they are right now and not where they want to be? Or, they gave up halfway. I was a great athlete but I am no longer one. It was a past achievement that showed me that future achievements are possible if I have the mettle and perseverance. And it’s not just mindless practising, but constant strive for improvement. So hopefully, in the near future, I can announce the 10,000th hour of …..
2017 will be a year I will be thankful for. I will do more for my parents, for my children, and for women. Came across this word about women building their own empire – Fempire. Love it! 🙂
I set out on 2016, with the spirit of adventure, saying yes to every challenge that came my way, stepping up to the occasion even when it felt uncomfortable.
It served me well into November, and that’s where I tumbled, again… hurt, angry, frustrated… not good enough, how much harder do I need to try, I am tired…
I took the past 1.5 months of being mostly in reflection: what happened, why did it happen, how did it happen… and though I hoped to talk it through with the parties involved, they seemed more pre-occupied with what they needed to address in their own lives. And that’s when I figured, I can’t force them; I can only manage myself.
So I decided to work on myself, and areas that I needed to make a difference or a change.
So for 2017, I will:
Have an awesome 2017, friends!
May 2017 be a smooth journey under sunny skies for all our readers.
Love,
from all of us at under the covers
Under (the) Covers 