Are we suffering from comparison fatigue that we have forgotten to be compassionate? Or we are going through so much pain that others’ pain, loss and grief has become insignificant and whenever someone is experiencing pain, we would be quick to jump in and offer comparison (like who got it worse)?
The recent demise of 11-year-old primary school student from suicide has once again reminded us of many things – the good, the bad and the ugly. It has also reopened old wounds for many suicide survivors,and quite frankly, suicide has such profound impact on the survivors that their psyche will forever be changed – and the change hits you at the core of your being – it shakes you up, it makes you vulnerable, it devours your every ounce of faith, trust and hope till it reaches the point where you start to recover from the pain and grief, move on from the shame, guilt and non-closure. Given the right support, suicide survivors can transcend from the grief and ironically, learns the fragility of life and tend to embrace and live life as best as they could.
What made me truly tremble with god-knows-what emotions last week was not only the news of death by suicide but also some of the social media commentary. Of course, it seems many start to point the finger at this and that… and well, that’s human nature, we seek an answer and explanation to every phenomena. But did we give enough space and respect to the family suffering from grief, their own flesh-and-blood? No one wants tragedy to happen, it is beyond our control. But what is within our control is how we choose to react and respect.
While many people expressed their sadness and extended condolences to the family, but there were also some who took the opportunity to compare their childhood experience (that they survived) which I think is downright inappropriate and juvenile.
Don’t Compare
One thing for sure, you shouldn’t go “Pfff. I’m not sure what to make of it as a child who got 97, suffered 3 strokes on her bum at the age of 11…” Frankly, never never ever comment, give comparison and cite your own story of how you managed to survive a similar experience, what are you trying to say or do? Like you are stronger and manged to rise up and out of the situation?
Don’t Leverage on Pain
And don’t use someone’ pain to talk to people you don’t have courage to speal to and iron out issues with. And for this matter, one should never borrow another’s pain, leverage and make your own story for an ego trip. Go work out your issues but don’t make yourself an A-Hero surviving whatever “unjust” treatment your parents meted out in comparison to another (who passed away by suicide).
Don’t Judge
Then, don’t start theorising with this and that assumption. The parents, school, the teachers… should have done this, should not have.. etc. You don’t know what it is like to be living as the person nor his or her family and/or sphere of support. There are dynamics you don’t see, feel and experience – there are past experiences, habitual tendencies, coping mechanisms and emotions all at play.
Be a Human
Be a decent human being and simply extend your love, compassion and strength. Send prayers ad/or well-wishes, regardless of what faith you have or not. Decency of simply putting yourself in the shoes of the survivors. In other words, be a decent human and don’t leverage on others’ pain to do anything – express your own struggles, your dissatisfaction and loss etc. (Again, read #1)
Be of Help
“The World Health Organization estimates that over 800,000 people die by suicide each year – that’s one person every 40 seconds.” With such alarming statistics, I think what would be more constructive is to think of how we can help, starting from ourselves and expanding it to our family and friends to learn hope to cope with life’s challenges and see hope in the midst of adversities.
Don’t let the “kiasuism” kill the decency in us softly.
Under (the) Covers 