I was just talking to some young people about the ills of comparing children.
My mother was one such parent who compared me, because of the lack of siblings, to my ex-neighbour. “Ex” because she has gotten married and moved away. Also, “ex” because I have moved away. Because we lived in the same block and both families just moved into the block, our parents happened to get to know one another and realised both their daughters go to the same school. Hence, this girl got to get a ride along with me every morning, courtesy of my father.
Unfortunately, my mother was relentless in her comparison. First, it was comparison of our figures – one was fatter than the other. Next, it was comparison of results – one did better than the other (ever so slightly). Then, even after graduation and man years after, comparison of marriage as a sign of progress and then children as a further sign of progress. The result was expected – I avoided this girl in school and all other occasions. This was so many years ago but even now, our lives never really converged only because I intended it to be so. I avoided the comparison.
Parents’ comparisons are truly damaging. We all know this and yet, this seems the most common way parents “encourage” even when it is the basest method. When I think about it, this ex-neighbour of mine is an okay person. Nothing wrong with her really but that she was the object of my comparison. I would rather that my mother admonished me for the act itself, such as not studying as hard as I should, or eating more than I should, rather than making a comparison between two very different individuals.
And yes, when I was relating this to some young people, I could see that they could relate to this, comparisons between siblings, cousins or any other persons worth comparing to. My advice to parents is that if one were to compare, one has to be very sure of the benchmarks. Going to the same school or even being in the same class aren’t good benchmarks. Two children are just that – two. They are not one. No two persons are exactly the same – even twins have different fingerprints. So, it really is very difficult to find good benchmarks.
If you aim to be a good parent, do not compare.
Under (the) Covers 