On parents and comparisons

I was just talking to some young people about the ills of comparing children.

My mother was one such parent who compared me, because of the lack of siblings, to my ex-neighbour.  “Ex” because she has gotten married and moved away.  Also, “ex” because I have moved away.  Because we lived in the same block and both families just moved into the block, our parents happened to get to know one another and realised both their daughters go to the same school.  Hence, this girl got to get a ride along with me every morning, courtesy of my father.

Unfortunately, my mother was relentless in her comparison.  First, it was comparison of our figures – one was fatter than the other.  Next, it was comparison of results – one did better than the other (ever so slightly).  Then, even after graduation and man years after, comparison of marriage as a sign of progress and then children as a further sign of progress.  The result was expected – I avoided this girl in school and all other occasions.  This was so many years ago but even now, our lives never really converged only because I intended it to be so.  I avoided the comparison.

Parents’ comparisons are truly damaging.  We all know this and yet, this seems the most common way parents “encourage” even when it is the basest method.  When I think about it, this ex-neighbour of mine is an okay person.  Nothing wrong with her really but that she was the object of my comparison.  I would rather that my mother admonished me for the act itself, such as not studying as hard as I should, or eating more than I should, rather than making a comparison between two very different individuals.

And yes, when I was relating this to some young people, I could see that they could relate to this, comparisons between siblings, cousins or any other persons worth comparing to.  My advice to parents is that if one were to compare, one has to be very sure of the benchmarks.  Going to the same school or even being in the same class aren’t good benchmarks.  Two children are just that – two.  They are not one.  No two persons are exactly the same – even twins have different fingerprints.  So, it really is very difficult to find good benchmarks.

If you aim to be a good parent, do not compare.

What do we really know?

Many moons ago, when most people travelled by foot, and it would mostly be flat land and straight edges, we thought that the earth was flat. And that if we kept walking, and walking, and walking, we would walk to the edge of the earth, and, well, fall off…

Now, with technology, we know that the earth is round, and that all the other planets are round, and that the planets revolve around the sun. And that’s the information we have for now; how we operate, then revolves around this information: look at our travelling habits and behaviours.

Technology provides a platform for the increase of information, and therefore the assumption of gaining knowledge, that then drives our behaviour. This works similarly to how we do business.

Many moons ago, we would go out and hunt for food, and gather our resources. If there was something that someone else had, that we needed/wanted, we would either kill them to get it (survival mode), or trade them with something that they wanted (barter trading), or simply, they would give it to us, as they may have plenty (giving without asking for anything in return). Somehow along the way, an “ethical code” was set up, so that killing lessened. Barter trading increased (the concept of creating a win-win situation surfaced), and the nature of gifting also seemed to have lessened (“if I can get something in return from the other person, that I needed/wanted, why should I give?”). With this assumption and/or perceived truth of what win-win looks like, it drove the behaviour of how many people do business now – that I need to gain something in return, when I give something away. And we started looking at what we can gain, out of the giving, before we started giving…

And “we make decisions based on what we think we know.” – Simon Sinek

Somehow, along the way, as we “improve” in technology, as we “improve” in our knowledge  and skills, we forget to use our heart: to feel, to learn, to love. We think that whoever does business, is out to fleece us, to gain the upper hand, to earn big bucks. They forget to use their heart to feel, to learn more about the businesses, and to see beyond the front, but start looking at the intent of the business.

And vice versa, those who are the ones who start a business – they have the “what” and “how” of starting and maintaining a business, but they may not have the “why” to drive the business in the direction, in which appeals to them. And that’s when the information and knowledge conveyed, gets misconstrued.

Take for example: why do tuition teachers teach tuition? Are they really out to educate the child, or doing it just for the sake of earning the money? No denying that they are great in achieving the results that the parents hope that their child will achieve, but through the approach that they use to teach the child, you will be able to know and understand, and feel, if the person has the heart to teach in the first place. And even then, the tuition teacher may have the heart more for the subject that they teach, then actually have the heart of teaching the child, and support the child in their learning. Which would you choose?

Take another example: insurance agents – some of them are really out to earn your money, and you can sense that when they are super nice to you prior to signing up, and after the administrative procedures are done, they totally, and absolutely disappear from your life. Even in a time of crisis, they are also nowhere to be found and/or consulted. On the flip side, I have friends who are super dedicated in ensuring that their clients gain the most out of the service.

These insurance agent friends changed my perspective of what insurance is, and what they do. Because it starts from the heart. Do they earn any lesser? No. In fact, they may earn more than the insurance agents who are out to just earn the money. And even if they don’t earn as much, they will have a more loyal following of clients.

Very few businesses are able to communicate the “why”, and I am proud that I have been and still am with companies and businesses in which the “why” is strong!

So, what’s my point in this article?

My point is: do not judge based on what we think we know. Go and find out, gain more knowledge, look for information from more perspectives, even if it may seem to be the flipped side that we believe in, give it a chance and listen. It’s like how our kids will tell us: “Mom, Dad, I don’t like Math and/or Mother Tongue.” Are we going to tell them,

a. “it’s ok, don’t like then don’t do lor.”

or are we going to tell them,

b. “hey, give it a shot! Give it a try. Go and take a look, or go for trial lessons. Maybe you didn’t like how that teacher taught you the lesson, but this other teacher may be able to support you in your learning better?”

If we are egging our children on to gain a greater perspective, then so should we as parents, as adults (just in case you are single :P)

I am sharing this in light of the recent Olympics win by Joseph Schooling, where there are many people who just ride on the bandwagon, particularly businesses, to have the glory rub off on them – what is their intent? And on the other side, there are those who nitpick on his nationality. Through these feedback and comments, it reflects on how shallow our nation can be.

I am sharing this in light of the feedback and comments made on Quah Zheng Wen.

I am sharing this in light of the recent survey of the preference of what race our President should be.

I am sharing this in light of the upcoming US presidential elections.

I am sharing this because, it seems to me (and I acknowledge that my perspective may be skewed, based on the limited knowledge that I may have), with the increase in accessibility to technology and information and knowledge, the less wisdom we have, the more myopic we become, and we make our decisions based on false knowledge known as assumptions. And the best part to this is, that our online behaviour tells it all too, what our perceived truths are.

We’d rather spend our time and energy in a virtual world, such as FaceBook and Pokémon Go and Instagram, rather than to put in effort to go out and meet people, have conversations and learn, what the different races and religions in our country stand for. Some would choose to be keyboard warriors, and type comments and nasty messages, rather than be brave enough, and centred enough to go out there and share your thoughts and opinions with others face-to-face.

I am glad that our team is well-travelled, and only commit ourselves to this blog posts for once a week, so that we can spend the rest of the time, increasing what we know, through the challenging of our assumptions and our perceived truths. I appreciate the team for challenging each other respectfully, meaningfully and purposefully, such that we may grow, not only as writers, but as parents, as individuals, serving the community at large.